Being Geek Chic is a blog about one woman navigating the male-dominated industries of production and tech. It's written by Elizabeth Giorgi, Founder, CEO and Director of Mighteor - one of the world's first internet video production companies. Learn more about Mighteor here.
Yesterday I was in a bit of a mood. I kept reading articles that I wish I would have written. Watching videos that I wished I would have produced. Seeing outfits that I wished I owned. Frankly, I was feeling bad for myself and it was shitty.
When I’m in these moods, teej will say things to me like:
“Babe, you’re the hardest-working person I know. I’m sure people think the same thing about you!”
AND
“Oh love, you’re doing more than enough. What do you want to have for dinner?”
I try SO hard to believe him. Really, I do. But it’s pervasive. It eats me up, not just because I’m feeling insecure, but also because I don’t want to be that obnoxious person who complains about her perfectly satisfactory middle-class life. (P.S. I had a cocktail and licorice for dinner, because my bad habits come in pairs.)
Unfortunately, my ambition (which practically deserves its own sidebar navigation at this point) functions in this nagging cycle of intense focus and productivity followed by deep pits of despair and envy. I’ll write something tight and funny in a flurry on a Saturday night and feel great about it. Then, it’ll spend weeks in my drafts folder and I won’t send it to anyone who can help me move it forward. Why? Because I’m afraid it isn’t good enough.
I truly hope that I’m not alone in this. I’d get therapy, but the crazed artist in me thinks that my best ideas come out of this sick process. Sometimes, you just have to stop being such a wimp and bet on yourself. It seems that every time I do, shit works out.
Today, my inbox was full of great writing opportunities and I’m so grateful. Others see something in my work that I don’t allow myself to see. If I could see it, how much easier would my life be?
My brother, my boyf and I are always having pseudo-intellectual, semi-existential conversations about life, but last night’s conversation hit home in an intense way. We were discussing a big new project I’m working towards (announcement coming soon!) and as such, I was discussing how daunting it is to take on something so consuming… And my brother said:
“It’s one thing to be ambitious, but you can’t let your ambition own you.”
I’m going to confess something here and now.
My ambition owns me.
I’ve never totally understood what makes me act the way I do. I can’t completely explain it, but I can tell you a story.
When I was editing SKOL last year, I would come home from my full-time job at 5 PM, hole up in my office and edit until 2 AM. I wouldn’t leave to eat. I wouldn’t leave to take a phone call. I wouldn’t leave to get a glass of water. I wouldn’t leave to wash my hair. The boyf would lovingly come up each night and bring me some food and drink so I didn’t die. I did this for 10 weeks.
See, when I get into a project… I REALLY get into a project. I become the project. The project becomes the very air in my lungs and blood in my veins.
As a result, I place all of my self worth in the things I create.
So many people have said to me, “your job is not who you are.” Except, it’s not about a job, is it? See, in my world, my job is just a venue in which I DO things. I CREATE things. I am what I do.
I can’t get through a day without thinking about how many hours I will have left each night to spend on this blog, my next project, some shooting. Almost daily I find myself upset when things simply “take too long.” And these are things that others would never bother considering:
Taking a shower. Watching a TV show. Eating a meal. Driving to the store. Grocery shopping. Laundry. Working out.
This week alone, I have found myself thinking: “this is taking too long” while doing each of these activities. It wouldn’t matter… except I had this blog post to write.
I’m not divulging this because I think it’s a problem or because I’m worried about it. I’ve been living this way since I was 14 years old and besides a couple sleepless nights, I’ve managed to find some decent checks and balances in my day to day life.
I’m living in ambition prison. I hope I learn something along the way.
